Getting in Gear for Christmas!

Today was the day that we went to chop down our Christmas tree. We went ontop of this hill where you could chop your own tree for ten bucks. It was fun.

We got it home, decorated it, and I went to some middle school band show with my friends son in it. After that, I went home and attempted to bake, which resulted in a plateful of crumbled cookie pieces. They are for my friend and co-worker, Nancy, who is leaving us on an extremely good note. We will miss her, but I haven't proved that much with my crummy cookies XD.

So now, I 'm listening to Christmas tunes and further attempting to sort out my long and unstable life. I don't have anyone really to go out to coffee with down here or talk to, so I just deal with it the best that I can. Work definately makes it a lot better. I love the kids and what I do.

And my birthday's coming up in a couple weeks and that makes December officially my most expensive month with car registration, inspection, Christmas, ect. I'm sort of excited because on my Birthday some of the MRH/MS staff (me included) are taking a trip to Boston to see Mama Mia. I'm not so sure how I feel about turning 19 though. It's sort of that blah age where you don't upgrade to any new cool privelages or such. I think 20 will be the same way. Anyways, I'm signing off for tonight. Good Night and Good Luck!

Controversial Spanking Topic

So I'm sitting here watching TV, and for some strange reason it was left on Boston News network instead of NH News network. One of the things talked about was how they were passing a bill around to ban spanking.

Now there are many different kinds of spanking; one can be spanked with a belt, a spoon, a rod, a hand (closed fists and opened fists), and so on. For the bill to be passed and approved, there would be absolutely no spanking of the sort.

I believe that it is not right to spank with objects. An open hand used only to surprise the child and make them aware of further consequences and without the intent to severely hurt should be allowed. Otherwise, it leaves the parent with less and less means of controlling their child. I think that our society is growing softer and softer with children, and it shows in a lot of the children you see in the grocery stores.

It is only right that foreign objects used in the assistance of disciplinary actions should be banned, for then it is used out of anger and with the intent to hurt. But to ban spanking all together is clearly an unwise choice.

Of course, for those of us in New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, Texas,... wherever, this doesn't affect us. However, once passed in Massachusetts, the idea could spread to many other states within the country. And then, who knows, maybe other parts of the world as well.

In conclusion, just let me say this: Verruca Salt from Willy Wonka ("I want it now, Daddy!) can and shall be the ending result of child-rearing if spanking is banned all together. The people who have thought of this law should sit down and think of some serious guidelines, because next will be taking on a firm tone with a kid in public! I understand that some forms of spanking are harsh, but throw those ones out and keep the more reasonable ones.

Friends (and not the obnoxious tv show either)

You think that you are alone in this world. Sure you talk to people on a day to day basis, but you never, ever feel like anyone can relate. You feel like no one in this cold, unfriendly world likes you at all and that you may as well not exist at all.

And then you have those very few friends that show you compassion and prove that your very existance on this earth is extremely important and without you, their world would be a little different. Even if they never say this indirectly, you can feel it in the way they smile, the way they write e-mails, the way they cheer you up when all you wanted to do before is wallow in your own misery. People, these are true friends.

I've had a few that have brushed me off when I became of no use to them anymore. I've been decieved by parents, friends, government (like it or not we all have), you name it, it's let me and you down. But instead of making the mistake of griping about all of that as I have, learn to praise and appreciate those true friends that do the little things that prove your worthiness. And remember also, treat everyone you encounter as though it is their very last day on earth.

Give or Take

Give, give, give, take, take, take;
You try to give, and you’re branded a fake
If you take, you’re nothing more than a thief
In this world it’s either give or take.

You give without wanting anything back
Than you’re still a fool and you’re painted black
You take then you never can take it back
In this world it’s either give or take

Giving love, emotions or feelings
Helping out with a wound that is healing
And taking nothing is still considered stealing
In this world it’s either give or take

Why are people so suspicious,
Paranoid and superstitious?
Questioning and full-blown malicious
In this world it’s either give or take.

So to change the world you gotta live
To do so means you gotta give
Take very little and learn to forgive
So in this world it’s never give or take.

Whew!

So aside from my Christmas Rant in the last posting, I have nothing more to complain about as of now. But it doesn't mean there is not plenty to talk about still. Thanksgiving was great! My brother came down from college, I cooked the dinner without the slightest scorching of the food, and now I'm just sort of relaxed and mellow. I'm probably going to something productive either today or tomorrow... I haven't decided yet.

We watched the Shining, not a bad movie at all, and then we're watching The Mission in a few minutes. My Father has to work tomorrow. I'm glad I don't!!! I love the students, but I need a break every once in a while!

For everyone who is new or just tagging on, I would like to invite you to read some of the poems I have written below. If you are looking from dA, don't bother, they are the same as on my other account! I will be writing more poems soon, but I've had very little inspiration, and my poetry comes from the heart. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Woes

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I am making the dinner!! It's exciting and nervewrecking at the same time! Meanwhile I got my toothpulled Tuesday and I'm on a 48-hour warm and soft foods diet! So I'm debating trying to eat Turkey anyways or eating just the soft stuff like an infant or really old person!!!

Meanwhile, lets discuss something since this is a rant page for me as well. Why stores need to be playing Christmas musice right now! They've been playing it since Halloween which is rediculous!

I'll tell you why. They have this theory where if they get the shoppers into the mood for Christmas early, they'll Christmas shop earlier. Although this tactic may indeed work, it totally takes away from the true spirit of Christmas,...you know, the one that comes in December.

Although this is cliche, I will remind everyone of what Christmas really is. Christmas is about Christ; his first coming to Earth, the birth of Jesus through the Virgin Mary,..you get the idea. It is also about families joining togethor and spending quality time. Yeah, gifts are nice, but it shouldn't be a commercialized spree filled with crowds, headaches, and music at Halloween!

One last thing; Generalizing Christmas. Now, I respect the fact that people have different religions and all, but why make such a big deal out of saying Merry Christmas? I mean, after all, if the stores can play Christmas music, they can say Merry Christmas. If they want to recognize other holidays that is fine, but it really isn't anything to have a heart attack over.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and I guess if I were Wal-Mart I'd be saying Merry Christmas now,..or excuse me,.. Happy Holidays!

On God's Time

It's amazing how long people have to wait for good things to happen to them, and how ironic things can be. I won't go into very deep details, but I will say that for the last eighteen years of my life (practically as long as I have been alive), I had always questioned the reason for my existance on this planet, from being constantly abused by both my parents to watching my mother murder my brother to dealing with her two near-death incidences. I have always blamed myself for everything and my father doesn't help much. This was all weighing on my mind until the other day.

My mother had a severe brain injury while serving her time in prison a few years ago, which still to this day is causing her brain to deteriorate more and more, and which now gives her the mentality of a three year old (we almost lost her last year and it affected my school work a little as well as my emotions). So she sued a pharmecy for some certain meds that we believed caused her stroke and she won a settlement.

You ask where I'm going with this? Let me explain... My mothers settlement money is enough to take care of her for the rest of her life, but she can never again take care of her self for obvious reasons once she gets out of jail. So I agreed to take care of her as her guardian (my mother's mother in a sense) and live with her in a house on some old property we have. That does mean careful monitoring, giving her meds, getting her clean, dressed, getting her to bed, and feeding her. It's gonna be hard during the day, because I still want to work. But I won't have to pay mortgage and very little taxes.

It's no different than when I worked with my handicapped kids over the summer, and I have plenty of experience with caring for people, and until she gets out, I will have the house to myself. I just have to wait 'till we have a house to put on the property. Thank you God for finally answering my prayers!!

Life

Life is nothing if you feel it is nothing. Life is something if you feel it is something. Life is failure if you feel you're a failure. Life is a success if you feel you're successful.

Life is a rollercoaster, with twists and turns, ups and downs, and loop-de-loops. Life is rabid dog, which eats away at your heart and soul. Life is a leaf in autumn, alienation and death wait at the end of the long fall from the tree.

Life is a long narrow path, where it is easy to stumble off, however if set on getting to the end hard enough, one will find it easier to stay on. Life is an insect that can be pesky, yet helpful. Life is a single blade of grass, where depending on it's location, it may be mowed over or left alone.

Life is stealing the car when your parents say no. Life is learning to let people go. Life is loving with all your heart. Life is around us through the good and bad parts. Life is getting that new pair of shoes. Life is crying, for on them the dog chews.

Life is tolerating those that annoy us. Life is knowing you're the one who’s annoying. Life is putting up with your psychotic parents. Life is being that psychotic parent. Life is about joy, about passion, about love, about honor. Life is about dismay, about sadness, about hatred, about evilness.

Life is about losing those you've loved all your life. Life is about letting go of those bad relationships. Life is about tears, and hurt, and laughter and wonder. Life can be spiteful, and it roars like thunder.

Life is hungry children, crying for food. Life is the helping hand that gives that child bread. Life is an angry man who guns down a city. Life is the juror that eyes him with pity. Life is that poor little sickly animal. Life is the gun that puts it down, so that if may not suffer.

Life is weather, it is children, it is family, it is jobs, it is careers, it is death, it is mourning, it is greed, it is thoughtful. Life is everything we go through together. Life is the very thing we all possess. So let's make the best of what we have, seeing as though we all have to progress.

What Kind of World

What kind of world can this possibly be? My tears are bitter and sting as they slowly roll their way down. Have I not a heart, feelings, a soul? Why do people treat me as though I lack those things? I am not a mannequin, a doll who you can bend and torture, and it need not matter, for the object has no feelings. I am not a toy that one can play with and then put up on the shelf to gather dust.

What kind of world can this possibly be? People are awkward and ignorant. I wish I knew what they thought, and why. How can it be that to make a man happy is to demolish another man’s ego, spirits, and dreams? A smile can mean happiness, joy, hope; but it can also mean revenge, hatred, and anger. Is it possible that a symbol can mean a million different things?

What kind of world can this possibly be? How can I still be able to walk on Earth as though very much alive, yet I have been torn apart and practically dead? What can love possibly mean to anyone when there is none left in the world? Wouldn’t that deplete the value of love, or yet to make the feeling extinct?What kind of world can this possibly be; where thugs, murderers, and rapists roam the streets like innocent men, licking their lips as they eye their next victim, and nobody ever notices until it’s too late? But what can anyone do? Just like what can anyone do to stop impoverished families, with children, starving, crying, for but a bite to eat and a bit of water. I starve and cry, but not for food. I starve and cry for understanding, hope, and some sort of light at the end of my long, dark tunnel.

And finally, what kind of world can this possibly be? Can this truly be a world where very little support the idea of education for their children, where schools don’t matter, and where luxuries are far more important? Why do we take for granted what we have, when the rest of the world must go without? Ill, kill, die, cry, what a world, what a society. As the restless dogs on the streets fight for a scrap of meat, we watch, entertained. As the restless rodents in the gutters fight for survival, we watch, disgusted. As the restless people around us fight for a scrap of understanding, we watch, and sneer. Is this the world we live in? It is at least the world I live in; a world of malice, destruction, death. If there were a way to make the sun shine, to lighten heavy hearts, to at least offer a helping hand, then what kind of world could this possibly be?

The Harlequinn

Listen to me, all you men, women, and children. May I have your attention please? I understand that all the colors I bear make me look infectiously diseased.

But I stand as a mighty, mighty figure. A person so willful and strong.So please gather ‘round, so I may speak. I cannot stay around for long.

I must make myself truly known, for what I bear is not but disguise.For there is a much deeper meaning inside, I’m sure this will come as surprise.

My painted up face hides a withering man, a man with no future or past.A man who is beginning to decay and fester, a man who is tumbling fast.

I, the Harlequin, have no soul; my soul has been sold for laughter.I have absolutely no concept of time, I know no before and after.

I am broken into many small pieces, a jigsaw with many missing parts.A box that has been used and reused often, with the final image torn apart.

Please laugh, please stare, this is all I have left, for I know no other means. I depend on the malice of human hearts, for my heart has been wiped clear and clean.

I, the Harlequin, am strong and proud, but yet so weak and broken. However, my painted on smile may be real once my true inner self has awoken.

When I Needed You Most

I needed you when I was sad and lonely; to pat my shoulder to tell me I shouldn’t be.
I needed you when I was waking up in the morning. For it was you all along that I have been yearning.
I needed you when I went to bed at night, without you I’m afraid that I am a fright
I needed you when I was sitting at school; I needed you when others thought me a fool
I needed you when I was driving in my car; I needed to know you would help me go far.
I needed you when I fell off of my bike; I needed you when I got a flat from that spike
I needed you when my salty tears flooded the ground; I needed you when nobody else was around
I needed you when it was my birthday; I needed you yesterday, tomorrow, today
I needed you in my dreams, at the park, in my house. You are in every little child I see, playing, innocent as a mouse.
I feel that I don’t need these memories of you. These memories I hold that are so strong and true.
I constantly feel I have needed you so, I hope you can hear me, I need you to know.